Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Randomize
