Me. At least after what I've been through.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
my shit smells like andre
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
These tits shall not be calmed
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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