We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
