Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
