I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
