I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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