I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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