A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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