My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
