I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
dude i'm inner monologue high
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
