I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
