I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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