I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Randomize
