Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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