Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Houston, we have a blender
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
