if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
