We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
