I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
