neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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