If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
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