What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
