Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
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