Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Randomize
