Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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