Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
