I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I didn't shave. On purpose
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I am one with the molecules
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
