I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
