so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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