Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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