You just made me feel so damn special
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
