Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
