Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
