Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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