I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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