I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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