My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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