I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Randomize
