I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
