Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
