I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I think i got beer on your cat.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
