I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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