That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
