Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
