Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
