Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize