i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
