His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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