I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
