$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
