Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
