i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Randomize
