you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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