piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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