Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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