god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
