I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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