I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize